• Venture Brothers -- A Case of Mistaken Stupidity

    Venture Bros Episode Full

    Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc. [ previous | bottom ]

                    (TWENTY-ONE, MONARCH, DR. MISSES, DERMOTT)

    THE MONARCH, TWENTY-ONE, AND DR. MISSES THE MONARCH ARE STANDING OUTSIDE THE HOLDING CELL WATCHING IN CONFUSION AS DERMOTT LIES ASLEEP ON A COTT INSIDE THE CELL. TWENTY-ONE So, what the hell? MONARCH Yeah, honey, I’m not saying you didn’t do a good job, but that is definitely not a Venture Brother. DR. MISSES Alright, I’m sorry. But I don’t recall either of you two trying to stop me. In fact, I am pretty sure you were convinced that this was a Venture Brothers . . . And not . . . Who ever this kid really is. DERMOTT STIRS IN HIS SLEEP AND THE GROUP IS STARTLED. MONARCH Should we just, let him go? TWENTY-ONE Yeah, like, what purpose would kidnapping a random stranger on the Venture lawn pose? DR. MISSES Well, he is obviously someone important. Why else would he be passed out on the lawn? DERMOTT TURNS OVER IN HIS SLEEP AND WAKES UP. HE SITS UP CONFUSED AND LOOKS AROUND. DERMOTT What the hell? Where am I? Brock is going to be so pissed when he realizes I’m gone. DR. MISSES Brock? Brock Sampson? THE MONARCH LOOKS OVER TO DR. MISSES THE MONARCH WITH SKEPTICISM AND ALARM. MONARCH Hear that honey? He knows Brock Sampson. How about that. TWENTY-ONE Great. MONARCH Why exactly will Brock be pissed? DERMOTT GETS UP FROM THE COTT AND WALKS OVER TOWARDS THE MONARCH. STANDING FACE TO FACE WITH MONARCH PARALLEL THE HOLDING CELL BARS, DERMOTT TRIES HIS BEST TO INTIMIDATE THE MONARCH DERMOTT Because he is my father. UPON HEARING THIS, TWENTY-ONE BENDS OVER AND THROWS UP OFF SCREEN. DR. MISSES THE MONARCH AND DERMOTT REACT IN DISGUST, WHILE THE MONARCH REMAINS UNAFFECTED. DR. MISSES Oh god, Monarch, it’s all over the Rhododendrons. DERMOTT Sick man, what the hell is wrong with you? MONARCH Never mind that. You’re Brock Sampson’s . . . son? DERMOTT SHAKES HIS HEAD YES. MONARCH (CONT’D) Dear lord, we’ve made a terrible mistake. CUT TO: INT. VENTURE BOY’S BEDROOM. NIGHT (HANK, DEAN, AGNEW, NIXON, CLINTON) DEAN AND HANK WALK DOWN THE HALLWAYS TOWARDS THEIR BEDROOM. THE HALLWAY IS DIMLY LIGHT AND THE BOYS SEEM TO HAVE COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN THE PRESENCE OF GHOSTS IN THEIR ROOM. HANK How can a young man simply vanish in mid-air? DEAN It is perplexing. We have quite a mystery on our hands. THE BOYS REACH THEIR BEDROOM DOOR. THE DOOR SLIDES OPEN AND THE BOYS WALK INTO THEIR BEDROOM. THE ROOM IS EXACTLY AS THE BOYS LEFT IT, WITH THE CANDLES STILL BURNING, AND A COOL CHILL MOVES OVER THE BOYS. DEAN AND HANK BEGIN TO SHIVER. HANK Geeze, when did the cold front move in? DEAN I know. Did the air conditioner malfunction or something? THE BOYS BOTH EXHALE AND THEIR BREATH COMES OUT IN CLOUDS. DEAN AND HANK LOOK OVER TO EACH OTHER SLOWLY WITH SHARED ANXIETY. REALIZING THEY ARE IN A ROOM INFESTED WITH GHOSTS, THEY MAKE A BREAK FOR THE ROOM DOOR, BUT IT WILL NOT OPEN. SUDDENLY, A WHITE MIST FORMS IN THE CENTER OF THE ROOM AND THE VOICE OF SPIRO ANGEW IS HEARD FROM THE MIST. AGNEW (V.O.) An intellectual is a man who doesn’t know how to park a bike. DEAN AND HANK START POUNDING ON THE DOOR WITH ALL OF THEIR COMBINED MIGHT, BUT TO NO AVAIL. THE MIST MATERIALIZES INTO AN APPARITION OF SPIRO T. AGNEW. DEAN AND HANK STARE AT THE GHOST IN QUITE AWW. SPIRO AGNEW FLOATS OVER TOWARDS THE BOYS, WHICH SENDS THEM INTO A HYSTERICAL FURY. DEAN AND HANK BEGIN RACING AROUND THE ROOM IN PANIC, RUNNING WILDLY IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS AND SCREAMING. IN THE MIDST OF THIS INSANITY, TWO OTHER MISTS APPEAR IN THE CORNERS OF THE ROOM AND THE VOICES OF RICHARD M. NIXON AND GEORGE CLINTON, FROM THE BAND PARLIAMENT, ECHO FROM THE WHITE VAPOR. NIXON (V.O.) Shut up, Checkers! Shup up, you damn dog! CLINTON (V.O.) (stiffly, with British accent) Starchild, Citizens of the Universe, Recording Angels. We have returned to claim the Pyramids. DEAN AND HANK ARE LOST IN THEIR OWN HYSTERICS BY THIS POINT, RUNNING AIMLESSLY AROUND THE BEDROOM, AND COLLIDE IN MID STRIDE UPON HEARING THE APPARITIONS SPEAK. THEY ARE KNOCKED UNCONSCIOUS AND THE THREE APPARITIONS CIRCLE THE BOYS BODIES. END OF ACT TWO ACT THREE INT. VENTURE LAB. NIGHT (ORPHEUS, DR.VENTURE, TELEVISION) DR. OPRHEUS WONDERS AROUND THE VENTURE COMPOUND CONCERNED, HIS SPIRITUAL EMULATE HAS BEEN GLOWING RED, INDICATING PARANORMAL ACTIVITY AROUND THE GROUNDS. DR. OPRHEUS OPENS THE LABORATORY DOOR, INSPECTING EVERY INCH OF THE LABORATORY. THE SECOND ORPHEUS STEPS INTO THE LAB, DR. VENTURE ROLLS HIS EYES, AND TRIES TO IGNORE HIS PRESENCE. WITH THE GLOWING EMULATE IN HAND, DR. ORPHEUS WALKS UP TO VARIOUS CONTRAPTIONS IN THE LAB, THINKING OUT LOUD, TRYING TO GET DR. VENTURE’S ATTENTION INDIRECTLY. ORPHEUS Hmm. DR. ORPHEUS LOOKS OVER DR. VENTURE, WHO IS IGNORING ORPHEUS WITH ALL HIS MIGHT. ORPHEUS (CONT’D) (louder) Hmm. DR. ORPHEUS LOOKS OVER AT VENTURE AGAIN, WHO REMAINS FORCEFULLY UNAWARE. ORPHEUS (CONT’D) (even louder) Hmmm. DR. VENTURE GETS FED UP AND SNAPS AT DR. ORPHEUS, DR.VENTURE Alright, fine, Orpheus, I’ll bite. What? What is it? ORPHEUS I have sensed a cosmic disturbance in the ethos surrounding the grounds. DR. ORPHEUS SEARCHES VENTURE’S FACE FOR A REACTION, SEEING NONE HE FEELS COMPELLED TO GO ON. ORPHEUS (CONT’D) Something is a miss. DR. VENTURE STARES BLANKLY AT ORPHEUS, SHRUGS HIS SHOULDERS NONCOMMITTALLY, AND RETURNS HIS ATTENTION TO SOAP. TELEVISION “Jodie Dallas: Plato was gay. Jessica Gatling Tate: Mickey Mouse’s dog was gay? Jodie Dallas: Goofy was his lover. “ THE THEME SONG FOR SOAP BLARES FROM THE TELEVISION AND DR. VENTURE SLOWLY TURNS TOWARDS THE VOLUME DOWN. DR.VENTURE A miss? A miss? I’ll tell you what’s a miss. . . DR. VENTURE GROWS SLOWLY MORE ANGRY AND RAISES HIS VOICE. DR.VENTURE (CONT’D) I’ve been trying to enjoy the hilarious antics of the Tates and the Campbells, but everyone on this god forsaken compound has become randy for ghosts. ORPHEUS I’m sorry, Dr. Venture. What show are you watching? DR. VENTURE REACTS IN DISBELIEF. DR.VENTURE Why, this is Soap. DR. VENTURE STUDIES ORPHEUSFACE FOR REACTION. SEEING NONE HE CONTINUES ON. DR.VENTURE (CONT’D) On like, 1977-1981? Billy Crystal was the first out gay character on network television? Oh, come on, you can’t tell me you’ve never heard of it. ORPHEUS I’m sorry, Dr. Venture, I can’t say that I have. DR. VENTURE GROWS SHOCKED AND SLIGHTLY OUTRAGED. DR.VENTURE It was like, the biggest thing in the late seventies. Where were you? Living under a rock? ORPHEUS During the late seventies and early eighties, I was locked in a secret, invisible battle with some inner demons. DR.VENTURE Some necromancer bull shit? ORPEHUS LOWERS HIS HEAD IN HUMILIATION. ORPHEUS (softly) No, cocaine. CUT TO: INT. VENTURE BOY’S BEDROOM. NIGHT (DEAN, HANK, AGNEW, NIXON, CLINTON) DEAN AND HANK LAY UNCONSCIOUS IN THE CENTER OF THE THEIR ROOM. THE GHOSTLY APPARITIONS OF SPIRO AGNEW, RICHARD NIXON, AND GEORGE CLINTON SURROUND THE BODIES. DEAN ROUSES FROM HIS SLEEP SLOWLY, WITH A HAZE AND SITS UP, NOT REALIZING THE GHOSTS ARE IN FRONT OF HIM. HE LOOKS UP TO THE GHOSTS FOR A MOMENT BEFORE REALIZING THEY ARE IN FACT GHOSTS, THEN BEGINS TO PANIC. DEAN TURNS TO HANK AND SHAKES HIM FROM HIS SLEEP FRANTICALLY. DEAN Hank! Hank! Wake up. There are dead people in our room. HANK WAKES UP ABRUPTLY FROM DEANS SHAKING HIM. HANK What, what is it? HANK LOOKS AROUND THE ROOM AND SEES THE GHOSTS, AND HE TOO BECOMES FRIGHTENED. DEAN AND HANK GRAB HOLD OF ONE ANOTHER FIRMLY, TREMBLING WITH FEAR IN THE CENTER OF THEIR BEDROOM. AGNEW Dean, Hank, do not be afraid. We are not hear to harm you. THE SOUND OF AGNEW’S VOICE ONLY TERRIFIES THE BOYS FURTHER. NIXON Forget it, Agnew, this boys are way past, ‘afraid.’ CLINTON ‘Dem boys gone off deep end, Spiro, and they ain’t comin’ back. DEAN AND HANK SHARE LOOKS OF UTTER TERROR, AND TWIN PUDDLES OF URINE STAINS FORM ON THE CARPET AROUND THEM. NIXON NOTICES THE PUDDLES IN DISGUST. NIXON Now look, they’ve gone and pissed themselves. Christ. Are you kidding me? AGNEW Boys, there is no cause for alarm, we have come to help you. HANK STRUGGLES TO SPIT OUT WORDS IN RESPONSE TO THE GHOSTS. HANK H-h-help u-u-us? How? With what? ALL THREE OF THE GHOSTS SHARE CONFUSED LOOKS. AGNEW We’re not really sure. Typically we are channelled when there is some great parol that must be overcome. NIXON We were more counting on you boys to tell us what you needed help with. After all, you’re the ones that channelled us. DEAN We didn’t mean to channel any dead Bguys. I promise. HANK Yeah. Who are you guys, anyway? NIXON GROWS SURPRISINGLY OUTRAGNED UPON HEARING THIS QUESTION. NIXON What? Are you serious? I’m Richard M. Nixon. DEAN AND HANK BOTH HAVE BLANK FACES. NIXON (CONT’D) I was vice president to Dwight D Eisenhower. I was also president for a while . . . DEAN’S FACE LIGHTS UP WITH EXCITEMENT WHEN HE REALIZES HOW NIXON IS. DEAN Oh yeah! And weren’t you thrown out of office due to spying on hippies or something? HANK Just like in that movie . . . Dick . . . Heheh. HANK SNICKERS IMMATURELY AT HIS COMMENT AND NIXON BECOMES IRRITATED. NIXON I was not thrown out. I stepped down from my presidency, there’s a difference. AGNEW AND CLINTON START TO SNICKER. NIXON (CONT’D) What? What’s so funny? AGNEW Just let it go, Richie. I’m president Nixon’s first vice president, Spiro T. Agnew. DEAN AND HANK LOOK OVER TO GEORGE CLINTON FROM PARLIAMENT CONFUSED. DEAN If you’re both vice presidents, then who are you? HANK Yeah, I don’t think I’ve never learned about a black vice president. AGNEW AND NIXON LOOK OVER TO GEORGE CLINTON AND LAUGH. CLINTON I’m George Clinton, the funkiest VP to ever grace the DC. And I’m coming in all colors and flavors, baby. NIXON Drop the act, George. I don’t think these boys have any idea who parliament is. AGNEW Or who either George Clinton is. DEAN AND HANK GROW CONFUSED AGAIN. DEAN George Clinton? HANK Parliament? AGNEW You see, boys. George Clinton was great vice president, one of the best. CLINTON I was the forth vice president to Thomas Jefferson and James Madison. AGNEW But somehow, time has forgotten him, and now most people associate the name George Clinton with the lead singer from the band Parliament. NIXON Who is not even dead, George. CLINTON I know that, but I figured there would be a better chance of people recognizing this George Clinton than me in my real form. CLINTON CHANGES INTO HIS ACTUAL WHITE VICE PRESIDENTIAL SELF FOR DEAN AND HANK. THE BOYS LOOK AT THE GHOST, THEN BACK AT EACH OTHER AND SHRUG, THEY GOT NOTHING. CLINTON (CONT’D) I knew it. CLINTON HANGS HIS HEAD IN DEFEAT. THERE IS A LONG PAUSE THEN DEAN SHOUTS IN EXCITEMENT. DEAN Hey, there is somethng you can help us with. AGNEW Really? What is it? DEAN Our friend has gone missing, Dermott. And we need your help finding where he has disappeared too. HANK Hey, that’s right. DEAN Now, we have no leads, but maybe, just maybe, you can help us. CUT TO: INT. THE MONARCHS COCOON HOLDING CELL. NIGHT (DERMOTT, DR. MISSES, MONARCH, TWENTY-ONE) THE MONARCH, TWENTY-ONE, AND DR. MISSES THE MONARCH ARE PACING AROUND THE AREA IN FRONT OF THE HOLDING CELL, TRYING TO DEVISE A PLAN. DERMOTT You better think up something soon, I am sure Brock will be hear to kick all your asses any minute. DR. MISSES He’s right, honey. And if it’s just a kidnapping of someone unrelated to the Venture family, I don’t think the Guild will back us in a war against Dr. Venture. MONARCH I know, I know. TWENTY-ONE Do you even think anyone has noticed he’s missing? MONARCH Hmm. Maybe not. DR. MISSES We could just put him back where we found him, right? TWENTY-ONE No harm, no foul. MONARCH Alright, let’s just drop and ditch as fast as humanly possible, before Brock Sampson has any more reason too kill the living shit out of us. THE COCOON SHIFTS INTO GEAR AND FLIES TOWARDS THE VENTURE COMPOUND. ONCE OVER THE LAWN WHERE DERMOTT WAS RETRIEVED, THE COCOON HOVERS FOR A MOMENT. MONARCH (CONT’D) Alright, fatty, this is where you get off . DERMOTT Hey, I’m not fa . . . THE HOLDING CELL FLOOR COLLAPSES IN ON ITSELF AND DERMOTT FALLS WITH IT. DR. MISSES Oh, Monarch, was that really necessary? I mean the boy never choose his figure. CUT TO: EXT. VENTURE COMPOUND. NIGHT (DERMOTT) DERMOTT LANDS ON THE LAWN ON HIS ASS. DERMOTT Son of a bitch! THE COCOON HOVERS MOMENT, THEN FLIES AWAY FROM THE COMPOUND AT FULL SPEED. DERMOTT GETS UP, HOLDING HIS ASS, AND STARTS TO WADDLE QUICKLY TOWARDS THE MAIN BUILDING ON THE COMPOUND. DERMOTT (CONT’D) Brock, guys, I’m back, I’m back. CUT TO: INT. VENTURE LAB. NIGHT (DR.VENTURE, ORPHEUS, DERMOTT) DR. VENTURE AND DR. ORPHEUS ARE WATCHING SOAP IN THE LAB. DR. VENTURE IS FRUSTERATED WITH TRYING TO EXPLAIN THE SEIRES TO ORPHEUS. DR.VENTURE No, Orpheus, Jessica doesn’t know that Corrine is sleeping with Peter. ORPHEUS And who is Peter again? DR.VENTURE The tennis instructor. Honestly, if you aren’t going to pay attention, I don’t know why I bother explaning this stuff to you. DERMOTT BARGES THROUGH THE LABRATORY DOORS, STILL HOLDING HIS ASS. DERMOTT I’m okay, I’m okay. Tell Brock I’m okay. DERMOTT BURSTS BACK OUT THE DOORS, HOLDING HIS ASS, AND DR. VENTURE AND ORPHEUS STARE BACK IN CONFUSION. ORPHEUS Do you think Brock even cares? DR.VENTURE No, and I sure don’t, either. CUT TO: INT. VENTURE BOY’S BEDROOM. NIGHT (DERMOTT, AGNEW, DEAN, NIXON) DEAN, HANK, AND THE THREE GHOSTS HAVE SET UP A LARGE MAP IN THE CENTER OF THE ROOM TRYING TO TRIANGULATE THE POSSIBLE LOCATION OF DERMOTT. ALL OF THE SUDDEN, THE BEDROOM DOOR BURSTS OPEN AND DERMOTT WALKS INTO THE ROOM HOLDING HIS ASS, NOT NOTICING THE GHOSTS. DERMOTT I’m alright, guys, I’m okay. I was totally kidnapped, but everything is okay . . . DERMOTT CATCHES SIGHT OF THE GHOST AND FAINTS IN FEAR. AGNEW Who is this boy? DEAN Hey, that’s Dermott! NIXON Found him. END OF ACT THREE
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    Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.

Venture Brothers